Lunch by the river
Down regging…don’t ya just love it? No. Me neither. Headaches, tired, confused/fuggy head (tried to put a jar of mayo in the dishwasher, nearly lost 4 days of work, spilt tea all over my lap etc etc) oh the fun never ends. Blah blah boring moan moan.
To add to my down reg heaven, I was out in the Kent countryside with my parents at the weekend, which was for the most part lovely, except when my mum dropped the bombshell that my SIL is not due in January as my brother had told me, but on 19 December. Fuck.
Getting past the ‘oohhh silly me I don’t even know when I got pregnant’ annoyingness of this, I’m just really sad I don’t get a ‘last Christmas’ with my family as I know it. I love my niece and nephews so much, and the fact that I’m kind of dreading my new niece/nephew being born is really eating me up. I HATE that I’m not just excited and happy as I was when the other 4 were born…but that was pre-TTC days.
Hadlow gardens with the parentals
Now my niece is 7 and my nephews are 8, 10 and 11. They’ve got past their baby days and the focus of family life is different to how it was in those early days when they were all toddlers. At the time I LOVED being around the toddlers, it was so much fun and chaos. It’s still fun and chaos but the dynamic is different – the kids are obviously more self-sufficient than they were, and we can have an adult-ish laugh with them. It’s a great family unit and one where I don’t feel the need to go to the toilets and cry as I often do when seeing friends with kids. It’s a safe place, just as family should be.
But that’s all about to change – it already has changed. We usually see each other at least once a month, getting together for lunch or dinner, usually at my mum’s. Since my bro told me SIL is pregnant (in May, just as I started DRing for IVF1…do they time this shit?!) I’ve only seen him twice – her only once, before she was showing. I don’t think it’s just me avoiding them (although it is a lot of me avoiding them!), they’re avoiding me too. It’s awkward, and we all know it. I miss my brother. I miss my family….I still see my sister and mum a lot (and talk to them nearly every day on the phone) but I miss the whole family unit.
And as hard as Christmas was going to be with an eight months preg SIL, it still would have been that last get together with the family, playing board games with the kids, mucking around, telling jokes that some of the kids get even though they probably shouldn’t.
But now it will be ‘baby’s first Christmas’. Everything will be focused around that. My brother won’t have any wine so he’s alert for the baby which will highlight even more what a drunken mess I’ll be. And let’s face it, I will be. There is no other way that Christmas is going down! And this is what IF has done to me….made me bitter about a baby’s first Christmas. What could be more lovely? A member of MY OWN FAMILY and I’m dreading it. FUCK YOU IF. JUST FUCK YOU.
My sister keeps telling me ‘maybe you’ll be throwing up in mum’s toilet because you’re pregnant rather than too drunk!’ And I guess maybe I will. I just can’t see it happening. Rationally I know my chances are fairly good – about 40% I think if my embies defrost ok but….. I just can’t see it happening.
NewtoIVF 
Ugh.
Being pregnant yourself would definitely help you cope with the holidays, I’m sure. I’m hoping that happens!
Hopefully since it’s baby’s first Christmas, they’ll want to spend some “family time” alone at their house so you don’t have to constantly be around them. It sucks. I’d make sure to schedule some fun, happy events/evenings with childless friends around the holidays, so you’re not overwhelmed with all the fawning over baby.
Thanks hon, that’s a great idea
I hear you, sister. Right there with you about the SIL situation. Mine is supposed to be coming into town (again) for Christmas with her twin girls. It will be their first Christmas as well, and if we make it to our late Nov./early Dec. FET, Hubby and I will have just found out whether we’re pregnant. If not, we might just find a nice little whole to hide in until after the holidays. Even if I do get pregnant, I will probably be too terrified to even leave the house. Lovely indeed! Hang in there ❤
So hard, HATE feeling this way but…. its just the way I feel! Fingers crossed for both of us x
I was going to say the same thing as your sister. I really really really hope that will be the case and that you’ll thus be able to fully enjoy your Christmas. Otherwise it may be a good occasion to have Christmas in an exotic place with your husband for once? 🙂
I would so love to do that but he’s not my husband yet! We’re saving for a wedding next year so all money has to be saved. Will be worth it just sucks now.
yey wedding plans!! 🙂
Once we went to see a specialist who advised us to get married since it may help get pregnant. I wanted to beat him up. But you never know.. he may have been right…
xx
This is why I love blogging. Any other group of people on earth would think that dreading this event is heartless. But it is not. It just shows how much love you have in you and want for your own child. I’m not going to lie, it will suck. But it is obviously how much you love and miss your family. So I think the benefits outweigh the heartbreak. And I agree w/ the previous poster. Hopefully you will be the pregnant one and everyone will know how much work you put into getting to that point. But even if you aren’t, I still think you are pretty amazing 🙂
That is so so sweet of you thank you. Just what i needed today xx hope your back is ok xx
My back is great. No pain. Now I’m just trying to lose the weight that I wasn’t able to lose for years because of the pain. I’m about to start a new IVF cycle on Oct 20th. Starting with stimulation. The cancelled IVF, I downregged and I hated the side effects. But this new dr said that I don’t need to. Fingers crossed for both of us!! xx
Yay! So pleased you’re pain free! We’ll probably be on 2ww at similar times! Xx
Oh hun, that is sooooo tough. You’re doing better than I would be. There’s no way I could do Xmas with anyone else’s new born. No way. I can understand how you want so bad to have one more Xmas just you guys, that is such a nice thing to want. It’s safe and comforting. This is going to test you to no end but you are strong! And I for one am most hopeful that your frosties will joining the party before Xmas too xx
Thank you so much lovely xx
Holidays are hard. New babies are hard. Put them together and it can be awful. Maybe you can steal your brother away from everything for just a few hours and go out for a drink or two. Although, I am keeping my fingers crossed that you won’t be drinking since you will be pregnant 🙂
Thank you!
I can’t imagine that scenario not totally ruining my Christmas. I wouldn’t even have the strength to go, so you’re already stronger than me – I can’t even go to a birthday party this weekend and the kid is four. I swear, sometimes it feels like the universe is plotting against us.
But, maybe your sister is right! Try to stay optimistic. If it helps any, I’m incredibly optimistic for you! Crossing my fingers.
Kids parties are the worst!