Well in my usual style for everything in my life, I’m a bit late with the whole good fucking riddance goodbye 2013/ what shit have you got in store for me hello to 2014! And since I’m a blogger I think it’s pretty much the law that I make some kind of reference to the passing year. I did think of doing a list of all the shit stuff that has happened to me in 2013 but….hell, that’s pretty much what my blog is anyway and I thought you guys deserved a bit of a break!
Instead I decided to list all the good stuff that has happened because, yes it’s been a shit year, yes I’ve had 2 failed IVF cycles without the tiniest whiff of a BFP but somehow some good stuff happened too and I’m really not very good at concentrating on that. So here we go:
My favourite part of any year, and in 2013 we were lucky enough to have some pretty great ones. We started the new year in a cottage in a lovely little village in Essex with 12 of our dearest friends (and yes, their kids and 2 of them were pregnant but….ain’t that just the way it is All. The. Time?!) It was tough at times, but was a really great way to start the year.
Then in March DH and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary together by spending a long weekend in Barcelona. Love, love, love Barcelona and really want to go back. Now. We just had the best time together seeing sites, drinking wine and eating tapas. Also, we were just about to start IVF and were pretty excited about that and didn’t know how frickin horrible doing IVF is! Then in September (post 1st IVF failure) we had a lovely week away in Menorca. It’s a beautiful island and we had a nice, if rather more subdued time with rather a lot more tears.
Yeah, I know, I know this seems a pretty strange one considering I’ve had one fresh cycle and one FET and neither bloody worked. However, I do consider myself very lucky. The NHS paid for both these cycles. I responded to the drugs, got eggs, got embryos, even got frosties. I do appreciate just how lucky I am to do this and feel such sadness for all those that struggle with any of these phases of IVF/IUI.
It can be a nightmare. I have 2 egotistical Directors that can be a nightmare (they can also be pretty funny though). And I’ve been there for 5 years and am soooo bored of my position. But. I could not have asked for a more supportive line manager. She can also be a total nightmare and says some outrageously insensitive things but in a weird way I know they come from a good place. And she lets me take time off/work from home/ go to all the appointments I need and she very rarely records it as sick days/annual leave. She is awesome.
And not just her, the rest of my colleagues are so so sweet. They often know more about my journey than my friends and have been so amazing, sending me flowers and brownies and silly things to make me smile. I can’t thank them enough. Also, the one person I’ve really struggled with this year as he’s an a-hole is leaving in February! Woop woop!
Again, I’m a very lucky girl. I have a great family. They are supportive and wonderful and understanding. I also see alot of bloggers/tweeters who do not have this support and I just don’t know how you do it. In particular, my sister and my mum are just incredible. I speak to at least one of them, often both, at least once a day. They are always there when I need to cry or scream or mumble that it’s just not fair and I couldn’t get by without them. My mum is always there with the right soothing words to give me and my sister, she does that too. But more than that. She understands my bitter rages. She is no stranger to loss having had more miscarriages than it is human to bear. She is superhuman. And she rages along with me, despite going through a divorce with her dickhead ex. A girl couldn’t ask for a better big sister.
Also, always in the background is my step-dad. He’s not a man of great words but what he lacks in words, he makes up for in deed. He has driven into London to come and get me from all my transfers and procedures, is always there with a crap joke to make me smile and more importantly always there to support my mum.
In May my brother told me his finance was pregnant (her first, his third)….it’s not been an easy time in our relationship and I’m ashamed to say I have not seen them many times this year despite them living 10 minutes away. But everytime I do see them they have been nothing but sensitive and understanding without being patronising, which is a pretty hard line to walk. Their daughter was born on New Year’s Day and I went to see her yesterday (that’s another blog post) and she is just beautiful and perfect and I am truly happy for them.
And lastly, I am thankful for my dad. This is pretty unusual!! For most of this year he has been his usual fairly useless self, dropping the odd insensitive comment on the few and far between phonecalls. Although, to be fair he has been emailing me more and asking some questions about IVF. But his present at the end of the year (see this post) really did blow me away. My father and I have always had a pretty crappy relationship and if this shit called IF can help to improve that, it’s no bad thing. (although I’d still rather have a baby and shit relationship with my father! Lolz)
Do they moan about being pregnant? Hellz yeah! Do they whine about how their difficult lives are that are the same as mine without the IF? Sure as shit they do! Do they say insensitive things and frequently ask me why I don’t ‘just’ adopt? You bet your bottom dollar! (I know I’m British, but ‘you bet your bottom pound’ just doesn’t have the same ring to it!) Do they understand any part of what we’re going through? Of course they freakin don’t! But….they sure do try. They ask questions, they try to help, they admit they don’t understand and they do incredibly sweet things to try make me feel better. They are great and I love them to bits. They don’t understand but hell, I wouldn’t want them to have to understand. I am truly grateful for all of my friends…for those that are there to talk to me about it, and for those that are there to take me out, not talk about it and get drunk when I’m on my IVF breaks…and for those that do both!
But I think this year I am extra-specially grateful for all my new online friends. This time last year I was drifting on my own in a sea of IF grief. I felt so alone and isolated and then in March I joined Twitter and a whole new world of wonderful people was opened up to me. Not long after that I started this blog which connected me to even more warm, funny and wonderfully supportive people. Thank you all so much. Your support, advice, kind words and cyber hugs have been so incredible over the last 10 months and have truly kept me going through this dark, shitty journey. I have even been lucky enough to meet 2 wonderful online women in real life! Imagine that! It has been amazing to connect with such great women, such warm and caring and loving people as you lot so thank you.
Ok, I’m done, I’m sorry. This is a long arse-post, but I guess that shows how much I have to be thankful for. I hope that 2014 will give me just as much to be happy about….ok, who am I kidding I’m totally hoping 2014 will give me something to be WAAAY happier about! 😉 I wish it so much for all you too xx