Babies. Toddlers. Kids. Little Monkeys. Horrors. Whatever you want to call them, I miss them. I used to love spending time with kids, playing games, running around the park, getting lost in a game of pirates. My life seems so much duller without them. But as this hideous IF journey has gone on its just got harder and harder to spend time with them, especially since we started IVF a year ago and even harder after each of our 3 failures.
I have a group of friends of 10 couples that I’ve known since we were teenagers (or at least one half of the couple if that makes sense). We’ve grown up together, taken each step together from hanging round parks to trying to get into pubs to clubbing every weekend to University, festivals, holidays, travelling the world, settling down, buying houses and now….DH and I are being left behind more and more each month as we repeat the step of ‘try to get pregnant’ over and over again. Most of my friends already have at least 1 child and I know at least 3 of the girls are planning second pregnancies this year.
We’ve always been so close but I hardly know their kids, and their kids have no idea who I am. We braved the tail end of a first birthday party recently and it stung to hear my friends’ todders call my other friends ‘auntie so and so’ but look at me with blank faces. I want to get back out there, I want to get to know them all…hell I want to be able to spend more time with my baby niece. She’s 4 months old and I’ve only seen her 3 times – my brother only lives 10 mins away. But the pain when they’re gone is so huge. The come-down in the evening after spending a day with kids hurts so much and I just don’t know how to deal with that.
The ache seems to be spreading to other parts of my life as well. I know I’m over emotional at the moment with starting a fresh round of IVF (not to mention down regging) but I can’t even handle watching nature programmes anymore. They’re always in most part about mothers protecting their young and it makes my heart ache that I will probably never have any young to protect.
And the other day my sister and I were reminiscing about summer holidays we used to have at the seaside with our cousins and THAT gave me a lump in my throat. Because I might not get to make memories like that with my kids. Now every time I remember something from my childhood I’m left with a sense of loss.
Even talking to my mum is becoming hard, especially at the moment as its the Easter holidays so she’s looking after my nieces and nephews. Every day is another brilliant activity my mum and stepdad have thought up for the kids to do and it breaks my heart that if I ever do finally manage to have kids my parents will be too old to do the things they do now with my brother’s and sister’s kids. My (maybe) kids will never know how amazing their grandparents are.
At the weekend I was talking to a friend who is a bit of a hippy…I’m pretty sure she’s the founding member of the ‘everything happens for a reason’ brigade but I love her anyway! She said “I think the universe only gives people as much as they can handle”
I know. Puke.
My reply was: “what a load of old shit, people kill themselves everyday – the universe obviously gave them more than they could handle didn’t it?!” We had to agree to disagree!
So in summary:
– I miss kids but can’t be around them
– I can’t watch nature programmes
– I need amnesia to get through the day without crying
– It hurts to talk to my mum
– I’m 1 failed cycle away from bat shit crazy