Why why why why why why WHY?

Is pretty much all I can think. The rest is just a deep all consuming pain. A desperate longing that seems will never be filled. A hatred of everyone and everything. An overwhelming sadness that fills me up.

What is wrong with me? Why won’t my embies implant? Two….how could neither of them stick….two. That’s three gone now. One left in the freezer but how can I have any hope that one will stick?

I know it’s a stupid thought and I would tell anyone else feeling this way to not be silly but I feel like I’ve let everyone down. There were so many people cheering me on and I’ve failed them all. I know it’s stupid but I can’t help feeling it.

It would be bad enough if my pain was just that. Mine only. But its not. I’m like an earthquake that starts a tsunami of sadness that washes over everyone I love. To have to ring my mum and hear her sob. To tell my sister and hear her cry harder than me. These are not the phone calls I wanted to make yesterday. I know they cry for me. I know they are heartbroken that I am heartbroken. I know my mum sobs so hard because I’m her little girl and she can’t fix it. And it makes me cry harder because I might never have a little one to love so much.

And there are still so many others to tell. Even though we didn’t tell all our friends we had started again, we will need to tell them how it ended. I’m not a good enough actress to gloss over it.

But of course the worst is DH. His heart is as broken as mine and it breaks mine all over again to see it. He said yesterday that he’d been daydreaming of having twin girls. Isn’t that just the saddest thing ever? He wants this so much. He tries to be strong for me but I know he’s just as broken as I am. He decided yesterday to start a twitter account to be able to rant at the world and as I get so much support from it. There don’t seem to be many men out there for him to follow – any suggestions very welcome. He is @daddyhopeful (‘DH’) Any love you can give him is greatly appreciated. We’ve decided not to follow each other – is that weird? I think it is better to both have a space that is our own.

Thank you all so much for the lovely message you have left me. I’m sorry I don’t have the energy to reply but know that I have read every one of them and they have truly helped me – that goes for twitter as well. I honestly don’t know how I’d get through without you guys. xxx

Staring at women

I can’t stop staring at women.A008-00624

I check the belly of every single woman I walk past to see if she’s pregnant. It’s become obsessional… no, no, yes, no, is she?, no, yes, maybe…and every yes (or even maybe) is like a knife in my heart. It doesn’t help that July is the month where all the ‘opps we drank too much at Christmas’ bumps are out on show.

It’s getting out of hand. And a little creepy. Not to mention unmanageable as I work in the middle of London and walk over London Bridge every day with about a million other people. Trying to look at this many women is making me late for work.

It’s been almost 2 weeks now since my BFN, and apart from staring at women I’ve been…. up and down I guess. Some days I’ve felt quite ok and that I can get through this and that 1st cycle failure is very common and it’s not the end of the world – we have our frosties and can try again. Other days (like today) I feel like I’m treading water with heavy sadness blocks tied to me trying to pull me under.

Work has been hellish, crazy stressful and I have been totally unprofessional on a number of occasions, but I can’t find any energy to care. In some ways I guess it’s good I’m busy but I could really do without it and have nearly lost my shit a few times – or rather I have lost my shit quite a few times but have managed to make it to the loos first. It’s never good when people you don’t know ask you if you’re ok because “you look so sad”. Or if a colleague stops halfway through a sentence and says “shall I not talk to you about this now?” God knows what my face is doing, but it can’t be pretty.

DH and I have decided to try again with our frosties in October. We could start in September but its just too soon for me. DH wanted to but I just don’t have it in me. We’ve been having disagreements discussions about what to do in the meantime. Because we have unexplained IF we could in theory fall pregnant naturally at any time and DH really clings to this. Personally I’m sick of flogging this dead horse and want to actively ‘not try’ until our FET. Because no matter what I tell myself, I can still never quite manage to kill that bitch Hope and I’m not sure I can handle 3 natural 2wws and BFNs before what will probably be a FET BFN in October.

As hard as going through the IVF process was – the drugs, the ups and downs, the waiting – now I kinda miss it. I miss the excitement, the sense of purpose, the hope. But most of all I miss the closeness between DH and I. We were such a tight unit each striving for exactly the same thing. Since we’ve gone back to work and left the little grief bubble we had for 4 days after the BFN I’ve felt us drifting apart.

I know its only been a week and I’m possible being melodramatic (me? Never) but over the last year we’ve worked so hard on coming together and really being in tune with each other. This time last year we were really distant and arguing all the time. It felt like we were 2 islands in a sea of IF grief, unable to reach each other. I’m so scared of going back to that.

We’re going on holiday in September so I think this will help to heal the sadness in both our hearts and hopefully get us ready to do battle again in October. Until then I guess its one day at a time.