Why why why why why why WHY?
Is pretty much all I can think. The rest is just a deep all consuming pain. A desperate longing that seems will never be filled. A hatred of everyone and everything. An overwhelming sadness that fills me up.
What is wrong with me? Why won’t my embies implant? Two….how could neither of them stick….two. That’s three gone now. One left in the freezer but how can I have any hope that one will stick?
I know it’s a stupid thought and I would tell anyone else feeling this way to not be silly but I feel like I’ve let everyone down. There were so many people cheering me on and I’ve failed them all. I know it’s stupid but I can’t help feeling it.
It would be bad enough if my pain was just that. Mine only. But its not. I’m like an earthquake that starts a tsunami of sadness that washes over everyone I love. To have to ring my mum and hear her sob. To tell my sister and hear her cry harder than me. These are not the phone calls I wanted to make yesterday. I know they cry for me. I know they are heartbroken that I am heartbroken. I know my mum sobs so hard because I’m her little girl and she can’t fix it. And it makes me cry harder because I might never have a little one to love so much.
And there are still so many others to tell. Even though we didn’t tell all our friends we had started again, we will need to tell them how it ended. I’m not a good enough actress to gloss over it.
But of course the worst is DH. His heart is as broken as mine and it breaks mine all over again to see it. He said yesterday that he’d been daydreaming of having twin girls. Isn’t that just the saddest thing ever? He wants this so much. He tries to be strong for me but I know he’s just as broken as I am. He decided yesterday to start a twitter account to be able to rant at the world and as I get so much support from it. There don’t seem to be many men out there for him to follow – any suggestions very welcome. He is @daddyhopeful (‘DH’) Any love you can give him is greatly appreciated. We’ve decided not to follow each other – is that weird? I think it is better to both have a space that is our own.
Thank you all so much for the lovely message you have left me. I’m sorry I don’t have the energy to reply but know that I have read every one of them and they have truly helped me – that goes for twitter as well. I honestly don’t know how I’d get through without you guys. xxx