And I almost managed it! The run up to Christmas was ok, a bit tough but I avoided the Christmas ads on TV which helped and just tried to get into the spirit of it (read: just got drunk). On Christmas day DH and I went to my mum’s house and I sat next to my brother’s (soon to be) wife who could not have been more pregnant…she was due on 20th December and still had no twinges. But I sat next to her and smiled and sympathised with her for being so uncomfortable and not being able to drink…as I literally threw wine down my neck. I only had one teary trip to the loo but got over it and no one noticed.
Then after dinner and presents with my family DH and I went over to his sister’s house. She lives literally round the corner from my mum so it’s nice and easy at Christmas as we can just walk round. His (half)sister is in her 50s, and as DH’s parents live in Cyprus is really the matriarch of the family and always hosts Christmas day for the huge Greek hoard that is his family. I was fairly tipsy when I got there but had a nice time chasing the kids.
I thought I should probably make more of an effort to be with the adults so went to help out with the washing up. DH’s half-brother is in his 50s. He has always been a free spirit and a few years ago he lived in the Philippines where he had a 20 year old house keeper (…can you see where this is going) who he then knocked up. So now they all live over here, their little boy is 3 (Philippino + Greek = SO cute) but I’m not really sure what kind of relationship they actually have. They don’t seem to talk about anything that isn’t related to the care of their son, so whilst DH’s brother knows about our infertility I’m not sure his ‘partner’ does.
So, we’re stood doing the washing up and she says “So you still don’t have any children then?” and then went on and listed the 5 other siblings of DH that do have children ending it with “hahahaha but you have no baby – so strange!”
Now, I know English is her second language, I don’t know what she knows of our infertility and I’m sure that she meant no malice in what she said she was just trying to make conversation. But. Ouch. On Christmas Day, literally laughing in my face about my lack of baby …fuck you very much.
I just mumbled something about not getting there yet and dashed out the room and back to the room with the kids. DH knew something was up so came to ask me and I burst into tears. If I’d had less wine I would have gone to the loo or made an excuse and left but instead Matriarch sister saw me cry, then grilled DH, then had a go at SIL for making me cry, which then made her cry…..UGH. It was all just a fucking disaster. I stayed as long as was polite then ran back to my mum’s and cried there as well. Talk about a black cloud over everyone’s Christmas.
I felt so embarrassed the next day, not to mention hungover. But we were at my mum’s again and although it was still hard with preggo SIL it was definitely a better day.
But I think over the whole holiday period the best time I had was on Saturday night. DH and I went for a lovely walk in the afternoon through the woods near our house, stopping half way at a pub for a drink then came home, cooked dinner together and had a really silly night playing board games and drinking wine. It was so lovely, we had so much fun just messing around and making each other laugh.
Tomorrow night is NYE and I’m pretty sure it will be emotional. We’re going to a friend’s house for dinner with 3 other couples, all of whom have kids so I know it’s not going to be easy as the baby talk will be flowing. SIL has finally started having contractions today so she’ll probably give birth tomorrow, which is just going to add to the ‘fun’. I know I will love my new niece/nephew when we’re here, but at the moment I’m just dreading it, and that really makes me feel like shit.
I just can’t wait to be rid of 2013. I know there are so many of you in the blog/twitter world who feel the same way, so many awful things happening to so many lovely people. It has, by far been the worst year of my life and it can suck it.
2014 IS going to be better. It HAS to be. Otherwise I’m cracking heads.