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The Club

I started this post 2 weeks ago and have been so busy with work and annoying things breaking (guttering, boiler, washing machine – the joys!) that I didn’t have time to finish it off and post it…..

Whilst last week was physically challenging with the occurrence of lightening cooch, this week has been emotionally challenging. On Sunday I went to my friend’s baby shower. It’s been a long time since I’ve been to one, and the last few I did go to reduced me to crying in the loos and sobbing on the sofa when I got home. I hadn’t really thought too much about it but before leaving I felt really anxious all of a sudden…was I really ready to be a room with all those mothers?

It turns out, I was not! I’ve always been quite a gobby person and whilst not over confident, and can be shy in many situations, I usually feel fairly comfortable…and able to fake it if not. But at the baby shower I just felt like I wanted the ground to swallow me up. All those mothers clucking away, making flippant comments about having babies. Whilst the comments and conversations did not cut as deeply as they would have done a few months ago, they still made me flinch. I had forgotten how much fertiles take it all for granted and all I could think of was my lovely twitter/blog friends that are still in the trenches of IF. I just sat there dumbstruck, not joining in, hardly talking. I just wanted out of there. I got home and cried on my sofa.

Then on Tuesday I started a pregnancy yoga class. I got lost on the way there, and was late and so again I was not really thinking about what the actual class would entail. I walked into a room of about 15 pregnant women deep breathing, and felt I’d had the breath knocked out of me. I was by far the ‘least pregnant’ of all these women and I just felt so out of place, like I didn’t belong there.

The teacher talked a lot about ‘your baby’ and breathing techniques/positions for birth…which makes perfect sense for a pregnancy yoga class. I don’t know why I hadn’t realised it would be like that, I guess I just thought it would be like a normal class but without postures that could be dangerous. Then for the last 15 mins of the class a former member of the group came in with her baby and talked about her ‘birth story’!! What the holy fuck?!

I guess I’ve just spent so long trying to get into this club that now I’m in it I feel like a fraud and that any day now someone is going to notice and revoke my membership in a hideous and bloody way. I feel like I need stay on the fringes and not get too used to being here.

——————————————–

So, now it’s a few weeks on and I went again to the pregnancy yoga class, which was a little less scary as I knew what to expect, and I felt less out of place. Maybe this is due to the huge amount my belly has grown! I’m feeling less nervous and more calm. I’m smiling more. I’m starting to allow myself to think about the future – the good version.

I think there are a few reasons for this, firstly being that I’m now 18 weeks and heading out of the Danger zone with each day. I know it could still go wrong, but in my mind if I can make it past 20 weeks it’s more likely that this pregnancy will not be like my sister’s. I have been reassured in the last few weeks with a midwife appointment and an obstetrician appointment, during both of which we heard a lovely strong heartbeat. I’m in love with that noise.

I was sent to see the obstetrician because of my sister’s history but after an hour and half waiting to see him he seemed rather puzzled as to why I was there….he kept saying “but you haven’t had any miscarriages, so I’m not sure what the risk factor is”. No mate, I haven’t had any miscarriages. But I’ve also never been pregnant so we’ve really got no idea what’s going to happen here do we, and after years and years of TTC and 4 rounds of failed IVF lets just keep an eye on it eh?!! Anyway, he’s sending me for bloods, I don’t think either of us are sure why but at least it keeps us all busy!

The final reassurance I’ve had is I think I’ve started to feel some movement…I’m not totally sure but every few days I get a funny bubbly feeling and I don’t think its wind. I like it. I want lots more please.

Finally, on Saturday I’ve got a private scan booked to see the little monkey, before having the NHS one at 20 weeks. At the moment I’m feeling calm about it and looking forward to it…I’m sure I’ll be a crazy mess of worry by Friday though!

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13 thoughts on “The Club

  1. Luckily, baby showers are not a thing that is done here in Germany + I didn’t have/know any pregnant friends, so I was always glad not having to attend one. With all I’ve read about how IF-sisters feel at those gatherings…just imagining the situation made ms tremble. You rock for having gone to all those while still TTC and now!!! It bugs me as well when I hear fertile people just chatting away about how it was such an accidental surprise and casually debating how many to get and when, like it’s just a matter of pushing a button and whoop-di-doo “pregnant!”. I thought I’d lose that somewhat….hostile feeling to those comments & situations once I get pregnant, but ..nope. Always bugged me and still is bugging me even though we have our snowflake with us today. I think once you’ve been struck with IF…it’ll never leave cause it’s such a huge part of the person you’ve become.

    i admit I never went to a pregnancy yoga class, but the situation and feelings you described immediately took me back to the info-evening at the birthing center that you have to attend to get a chance for a place and birth there. The free spots are limited so I was advised to try and sign up as early as possible. We walked in there 14 weeks pregnant (I wasn’t really showing yet, it was just like the pouch I have due to Endo) and saw all these huge baby bumps everywhere. I almost felt ashamed to be sitting there trying to apply for a spot, like I’d take away someone elses place who is clearly more pregnant than me etc. I didn’t try to make eye contact with anyone fearing they’d ask: “What are you doing here, …with no bump” But then. But then I realized…hey..I’m pregnant..not less or more pregnant just pregnant. Sure, im not SHOWING much yet, but…I’m pregnant and want to give birth here, so I deserve to sit here! What I learned later is that most of the heavily pregnant ladies didn’t get a place as they applied to late and that I was definitely there at the right time! 🙂
    So, I was glad to read that your second time at yoga class was less awkward and you felt less out of place, but…uhm..that “returnee”…telling her birth story…how out of place, I mean it wasn’t really an antenatal class , right? I’d go “WTF” as well!!!

    ohhhhhh yay for funny bubbly feeling…the first movement is so…positively weird as you can’t really believe it and always wonder but it’s so special!!! So happy to hear you’re at this stage!! I’m hoping for a wonderful private scan “event” with lovely scan pictures to take home and a wiggly little baby inside your bump. (and yes, the nerves right before, they go crazy – always did with me right until the very last one!)

    /sorry for the always-long-ass-comments >.< I need to learn babble less *g*

  2. I definitely feel like an outsider in my group of friends. Doubt it would be much different if I had eventually ended up getting pg. It’s such s different and difficult path through infertility. Here’s hoping the rest of your pregnancy is very boring. 🙂

  3. I’m so happy for you. 🙂 it’s so lovely to hear good news. I’m terrified every day something is going to go wrong. I’m 6.5 weeks today and still having funky cramps. I don’t like it. 😦 here’s to another 20+ weeks for you and 34 for me!!!! 🙂 xxxx

  4. Until I started to show I felt stuck in a strange limbo between being a woman struggling with infertility and being a pregnant woman. Not one but somehow not yet fully the other. It’s not an easy transition. Somewhere around 20 weeks I started identifying with other pregnant women rather than feeling like an outsider. Infertility has some long lasting impacts, I want to shed the fear and anxiety but like you I never want to forget where I was seven months ago and all of my friends that are still going through their own struggles.

  5. For me the feeling of not really belonging lasted long after the birth of my baby. I would watch him playing with other people’s kids and knew that he was… different… well that’s not the word I’m looking for… but maybe you know what I mean. It’s still weird listening to other women talk about their pregnancies and their kids sometimes. They will never understand the anxiety club I belong to. The overprotective, worried about every little thing club. I am a worrier by nature but this is a different kind of worry.

    Anyways, I hope it keeps getting better for you and you find a way to belong in the new club of pregnant mommy after infertility. 🙂

  6. I’m glad all is going well, despite the difficulties here and there. I can see how a baby shower may end up being overwhelming. I’ve never been a fan anyway.. I do hope you’ll enjoy your own baby shower when you have one though! I’m glad the yoga class is getting better. It’s so beneficial to do yoga that it’d be silly to give it up. Now I say that but I haven’t pulled together the courage to go yet… maybe in a little while. hope all continues going well! xx

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