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One week

Today is one week until my wedding – ONE WEEK!! I am, of course, ridiculously excited. We booked the wedding a year ago. After 11 years together and 4 years of engagement we’d been putting off the wedding due to infertility, but after our second failed IVF cycle in September last year we just knew we couldn’t wait any longer. Even though it was a totally impractical time to have a wedding – we’d either soon need the money for further IVF rounds or a baby, we just wanted to be married.

Two more failed cycles and a freak natural pregnancy later and the big day is almost here: I’m so close to my wildest dreams coming true. On my wedding day I will be 11 and a half weeks pregnant and we will announce our pregnancy to our friends and family at the drinks reception after the marriage ceremony.

Hopefully…..

Tomorrow I have booked a ‘reassurance scan’ at a private clinic to check that all is ok. And I’m terrified. Absolutely terrified. We had a scan at 5 weeks and all was fine. We had a scan at 7 weeks and all was fine but…..our plan is so perfect. Our wedding day would be such a fairy tale dream….how can it go right? After so many disappointments and failures it seems so unreal that this could be our happy ending. I’ve been feeling less and less nauseated this week and I’m so scared its because something is wrong – my boobs hurt less too. I’m hoping this is just my symptoms lessening as my first trimester comes to an end but….ugh. Scared. It would just be so so crushingly awful for it to go wrong now, 5 days before our wedding day. I honestly don’t know how I’d cope.

I was speaking to a wonderful twitter friend recently about our fears – she is 30 odd weeks pregnant and still has the fear – and she said we’re traumatised. And we are. After so much pain and hurt and it all just turning to shit every time it’s so hard to believe it can work out. That I could get the fairy tale.

In the words of Julia Roberts in one of my all time favourite films*: “The bad stuff is easier to believe.”

 

*Pretty Woman, obvs. If you can’t quote the entire script of this film, you probably shouldn’t be reading my blog.

13 thoughts on “One week

  1. First off: YAY again on here for only a week left until the big day!!! So excited for you, after such a long time together and 4 years of being engaged I can imagine just how excited you two must be! And October ist such a nice month (Love fall weddings!!)

    I can relate to that feeling of you and your 30w pregnant friend. That feeling of “Can it really be true? Isn’t just something gonna happen that might take it all away again” I think it’ll never go away. Yes, I got excited more and more with every week of pregnancy, but until our little one was born and I held her in my arms I didn’t truely believe it. It’s like …the pregnancy only became 100% reality in that very moment. But of course every reassuring scan helps to ease the mind a teeny tiny bit more and made me all tingly happy inside when we had ours. And I keep my fingers crossed your next scan will show you a tiny wiggly baby that will reassure you once more and give you some happy chills. 🙂

  2. So exciting for your wedding lovely. I do hope so much that you’ll get a full fairy tale and that it’ll be a beautiful day with the wedding and your announcement to family and friends. Better wear good waterproof make up and make sure someone has tissues near you…
    Fingers crossed for tomorrow. xx

  3. have an amazing wedding day! and good luck for tomorrow’s scan. there is no reason that it wont be fine, but of course its stressful.
    here’s to fairytale weddings 🙂

  4. It’s so unfair that infertility also takes away the joy of a pregnancy once we finally achieve our goal!! I hope all goes perfect for the scan and the big day. What a beautiful story!! You could write a book about all of this. Just beautiful xxx

  5. Fairy tales can happen! (: I’m looking forward to reading about yours.

    I have to chime in about the boob thing—my breast sensitivity disappeared so many times I couldn’t count and eventually it became clear that there is an off-on pattern. And it makes total sense your nausea would be a little less at this point. I know you know all this and the Trauma just trumps reason because it is a serious bastardo. Really wishing you could do a shot before your reassurance scan. xo

  6. Hi hun, what an amazing wedding! Just a quick word to say that I found my doppler was a lifesaver on days when I thought something was wrong and, because you recognise what the hb sounds like I guess you would recognise if it sounded too slow etc… but if DH still disagrees the odd early scan doesn’t hurt! 😉 Just I’m case you’re not seeing my tweets. Xx

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