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That girl

I’ll start with the headliner – I’m 6 weeks pregnant. If you want to skip this post, go ahead…been there many times.

For those of that are ok to read about it, this is the story of how I found out I’m that girl.

Since my last (forth) failed IVF cycle in May I’ve been attempting to ‘forget about it all’ and have a summer of fun in the lead up to our wedding in October. As you can tell from my last post this hasn’t really been going that well. I did fill my summer with fun things but the pain was still very intense and I was filled with an all-consuming sense of dread that this was never going to happen for me.

We continued ‘trying’, albeit half heartedly – not testing for ovulation just DTD around the time I usually ovulate. Last month it fell on a Monday, I was knackered and told DH I really couldn’t be bothered and what was the freakin point anyway? It was hardly likely to be lucky cycle number 42. But DH convinced me we should….oh the romance!

Day 32 of my cycle came around and still no AF. I quite often have cycles of 31 days but I checked my tracking sheet (yes, I’m an obsessive infertile) and noticed that I’ve never got to day 32 and there is always spotting for days before if I have a 31 day cycle and I hadn’t had any spotting at all. So despite it being ridiculously unlikely it was still on my mind…that little voice that says ‘maybe’ can never be crushed despite so many disappointments. So I decided to do a test so I could stop thinking about it and just get on with making dinner for the three 14 year old dance students I had staying with me.

I peed on the stick, and then cleaned the bathroom a bit (14 year old girls are messy) and my eyes swept past the test and I saw 2 lines. 2 LINES. I’ve never seen 2 lines, not even a hint of second one. My first thought was ‘there must be something wrong with this test’. I was shaking but I just couldn’t believe this could be right. I rushed out and bought 3 more tests of different brands.

By the time I got home one of the students was having a shower and then dinner was ready so I couldn’t retest. DH came home I didn’t say anything, still sure it couldn’t be right. I sat through the longest dinner of my life and then rushed to the bathroom and did 3 tests – all said the same. The digital test said 2-3 weeks. I went downstairs and told DH and he sobbed his little heart out once he’d got over the sheer disbelief.

The next day I called the GP to book an appointment – I was cheerfully told that I didn’t need to see the GP, I just needed ‘decide where I want to have my baby’ and call the hospital. What the hell?!! Fucking fertiles. I don’t have a baby, I have maybe. Its the strongest ‘maybe’ I’ve had so far but its still a maybe. I insisted on seeing the GP, who also talked about ‘my baby’ willy nilly and refused to give me an early scan.

Then on Tuesday (a week after finding out) I had some brown spotting. It wasn’t much so I tried not to panic – I know how common it is. Wednesday morning brought more so I phoned the local midwife who told me to go to my nearest early pregnancy unit, which really freaked me out because if the professional is worried its bad news right? As I was at work I went to St Thomas’ EPU, DH met me there and my mum insisted on getting on the train from Kent to be there too. After a very anxious 3 hour wait for a scan we went in. It was too early to see much but there was a sack and yolk in the right place and all looked as it should. DH and I cried, like alot. The nurse looked at us like we were mad, although surely she sees this all the time?! But then she did ask me if I’d ever had an internal exam …look at my notes lady- 4 rounds of IVF – I’ve had more dates with dildo-cam than you’ve had hot dinners!

Today is the first day since Tuesday that I haven’t spotted so I’m hoping I’m done with that. I’m trying to be as zen as possible about the whole thing. My boobs hurt. I feel sick in the mornings. I’ve got to try and trust my body, no matter how much of an a-hole it’s been in the past. If it does go wrong I’ll have plenty of time to be sad and feel like shit. Although it is quite worrying that the longer I’m pregnant, the closer I get to my wedding day leaving less time to recover from a miscarriage. It really is ridiculous timing …my hen-do, the wedding, the honeymoon…but if this little miracle sticks around I couldn’t give a shit. And if nothing else, it proves that my body CAN get pregnant, something I was very much doubting.

So for now at least, I’m that girl. The girl that everyone tells you about, who takes a break from IVF then gets pregnant – I’m like an urban myth. And of course I’ve already been told by my mum and MIL that its because I ‘relaxed’ and ‘focused on something else’. Except I wasn’t at all relaxed. I was miserable and stressed and having a baby still filled so much of my thoughts. Also, I totally stopped all of the good stuff – healthy eating, no drinking (wine was becoming one of my 5-a-day), mediation, positive thinking etc etc. My mum is convinced its because I started taking these vitamins my aunt had taken after numerous miscarriages that, she believes, helped her to go on to have a baby….I’m still sceptical (although I’m taking them religiously!!) but if nothing else my hormonal acne has totally cleared up for the first time in 3 years, so if you’re interested this is the company, but be warned – it ain’t cheap: http://www.foresight-preconception.org.uk/Default.aspx

Keep everything crossed for me people.

54 thoughts on “That girl

  1. This is amazing! I’m sending you congratulations and lots and lots of sticky thoughts. Funnily enough, this is the only pregnancy announcement in a week full of them that hasn’t upset me in the slightest, for it is so, so, so deserved. I hope everything goes super-smoothly for you. xx

  2. omg omg omg! That’s frickin brilliant, so so happy for you! i feel like there couldnt be enough exclamation marks to fully express how excited i am for you!!!!!!!

  3. That’s so lovely to read, especially after reading your last post and TOTALLY identifying with how you felt. I’m soooo happy for you, it’s just the best post to read on a Sunday evening!

  4. Oh wow!
    I last corresponded with you when we talked about how having sex while doing a FET was supposed to be a good thing (because you probably won’t remember me otherwise)!
    And I am just so excited for you!!!!!
    I don’t think you should try and think about what it was that worked this time or not…I have 2 friends who did IVF for several years and ended up also falling pregnant “naturally” at some point while on IVF breaks. Its a horrible thing to contemplate if you aren’t in that position but it just does take one quality egg and sperm meeting at the right time for something to happen….the key problem being that the odds are so stacked against it so often that we find it hard to believe that it is still statistically possible. Of course you can win the lotto – even though the odds are astronomical – according to google its 1 in about 14,000,000 to win the UK National Lottery. The odds of getting pregnant each month are much less than that for most people (even an infertile given a 1% chance still has a 1 in 100 chance of falling pregnant in a given month) but often it feels like winning the lottery would be easier. Its just all a game of chance really isn’t it – and I’m so glad you got to be “that girl” 🙂
    Anyway – this is absolutely awesome news. If this little one sticks around – and I am wishing you the stickiest vibes I can from Australia – then you MUST get Pumpkini back (last seen on the Harbour Bridge with ivffervescentgal I think or did he go somewhere else after Australia??) so he can meet your little one. A photo of the 2 together would be a thing of beauty IMO.
    I wish you only good luck and hope to keep reading of good news.

  5. Ohhhhhhh my gah, oh shit, this is so freaking fantastic…holding back excitement because I know you’re still on pins and needles…such a good sign that all looked well at 6 weeks (in my experience, by that point, the gestational sac usually looks wonky or too small or something if the pregnancy is gonna go south). Holding breath and holding your hand. xoxoxo

  6. congratulations, I started reading your blog a few months ago and have been checking in, hoping to see new posts. This is the best news to read, I’m hoping and praying for my good news soon.
    Try to enjoy your joyous pregnancy and the plans for your wedding

  7. This is so freaking amazing I can’t even tell you how happy I am for you! Will be thinking of you and hoping that things continue to go perfectly with the pregnancy.

  8. Your posts don’t show up in my wordpress feed >:-( this is such a beautiful thing to happen before your wedding! What a rollercoaster. Wishing you so much love, luck and a super joyful and healthy pregnancy ahead x

  9. Yay!!!! I’m so glad you are that girl. Love your honesty about not being relaxed and drinking, etc. I can’t believe it’s happened naturally after 4 IVF cycles. You’ve given me a glimmer of hope. Congratulations!!! So happy for you xx

  10. I’m just a stranger, who has followed your blog because the emotions you’ve gone through have mirrored my own. I’m overjoyed to read your news! I wish you and your hubby every happiness, and I wish all things good for the little peanut! You’ve given me newfound hope, and I thank you for that. Congratulations and take care of yourself!

  11. Pingback: Hitting a new low but finding glimmers of hope - Pregnant in my forties... hopefully!

  12. Pingback: Big News! - Pregnant in my forties... hopefully!

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