Home » Fertility » I get knocked down…

I get knocked down…

…but I get up again. Isn’t that how the shit 90s song goes? Except I’m not really sure how to get up again.

This week is definitely up there in the list of worst weeks of my life. After my friend’s pregnancy announcement burst my denial bubble last Sunday I worked at home on Monday, feeling fragile and tearful but making it through the day.

On Tuesday I went to work and had a very stressful meeting in the morning, the outcome of which was basically that out of a team of 6 people I was the only one left to do any work on a very big and difficult project (one of the reasons being my Director is going to Bali for 3 weeks – alright for some!) I then realised I had forgotten to do things on 2 of my other projects and then had one of the women I manage (who is overly dramatic and anxious) haranguing me about what I was going to do about a problem on her project which is essentially unfixable.

And I snapped. It was just too much for me and I felt so overwhelmed, all this stuff was going on at work and all I could think was ‘I’m never going to be a mother. I’m never going to have children. Work will be the only thing in my life and I hate it.’ I went to the toilets and sobbed. This is not an unusual occurrence but normally I go in, have a little cry, if anyone comes into the loos I stop or cry quietly until they leave, then dry my eyes and get on with my day.

This time I just couldn’t stop. People came in and out and I continued with huge gasping sobs. My work friend came in and asked if I wanted to go and get a coffee and chat but I sent her away – there was no way I could think about leaving that cubicle. It was so scary, I don’t think I’ve ever felt that out of control of my emotions – such a huge wave of grief that pushed me down and wouldn’t let me up again. After about 10 minutes or so my boss came in, by which time I was a little calmer. She took me away for a chat where I told her I just wasn’t coping and felt so overwhelmed. She told me to go home and work at home the next day and she’d have a think about what she could do to help. I then had to walk through the office with a tear stained face and collect my things – of course there had been an all-staff meeting that day so everyone from my company was there. Awesome.

As I waited at the bus stop on the way home I was on Twitter on my phone when I saw an email pop up from my friend that had a miscarriage shortly after our spa trip entitled ‘Our exciting news’…..well, we can guess what that was about! Of course I’m happy that after having a miscarriage she has now got to 3 months with her pregnancy (meaning she must have got pregnant again the month after her miscarriage) but when I saw that email, after the day I’d had it just tipped me over the edge again. I sat on the bus with tears rolling down my face, as if I hadn’t humiliated myself enough that day. I managed to stop crying by the time I got on the train but felt like I was going to hyperventilate. What a fucking day.

On Wednesday I spoke to my boss who said that I should go off sick for the rest of the week….but there was an all day meeting on Friday for the big and difficult project and if I didn’t go to it it would have made my work over the next few weeks almost impossible so I said I’d go to that. She then said that she’d spoken to my 2 Directors and they all agreed my workload should be cut in half for the next few months until I feel more able to cope. I just can’t express how bloody awesome my work is…it definitely helps to work for psychiatrists/psychologists at times like these!

Thursday night I realised that the meeting on Friday was being held at the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists! Cue another meltdown! I felt really anxious Friday morning before going into the building but it wasn’t too bad, I just made sure I didn’t look at any of the artwork.

The weekend has mostly been better – Friday night I drank wine with friends in the sun in Regents Park which was lovely and chilled, and then yesterday I went shopping with my Bridesmaids for their dresses, which went very well so that’s another thing ticked off the wedding list.

But today is, of course Father’s Day. I hate that I’m stopping DH be a father. I went to my mum’s for lunch and my brother and SIL were talking about filling in a ‘baby’s first book’ for their daughter and everyone was talking about the different things their kids did and the stories/memories they tell their kids which made me lose it again. I took myself off to my old bedroom and sobbed. I just can’t get the thoughts that I will never be a mother out of my head. I will never fill in a ‘baby’s first book’. I can’t think of other options: donors, surrogates, adoption. I can only think that.

Have my WTF appointment tomorrow so we’ll see what they have to say…more shoulder shrugging I’m sure.


22 thoughts on “I get knocked down…

  1. Sweetie this hurts so much to read but I know it hurt a bajillion times worse to live it right now. It’s so upsetting to see you go through this horribly unfair and inexplicable experience. I’m just thankful you work with people who are understanding and caring enough to try to help where they can. Wish there was something I could do, please know you are always in my thoughts. Sending hugs and support and light right now xxx

  2. What a shit, shit week, love. It sounds like work is being supportive, and I’m glad for that. I wish things were easier for you. I’m so sorry you’re in this whirlwind of despair. Big hugs xo

  3. Oh sweetie I HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT that you’re in so much pain! Please do look after yourself at this difficult time, stop thinking about work. Work will be there in a couple of weeks’ time, your mental wellbeing might not. I had a very similar episode as what you’ve described so well and was signed off for 3 weeks. It was the best thing to do. Even though I felt that I might have been ok to go back sooner, I made a point of staying off and it helped me unplug properly and get work worries out of my system 100%. I know it’s hard to admit to yourself that you’re one of those people who gets signed off work, but trust me, you’ll feel miles better for it.
    On a final point, it broke my heart to read the bit where you say ‘I’m stopping DH be a father.’ Please PLEASE don’t think like that. We had IVF due to a male factor, and the fact that my husband was stopping me becoming a mum is something that I was forced to confront in all its ugliness. In the end I decided that no, that’s not true at all. Infertility is to blame, this is nothing to do with him, me or anyone else. My life would not be as wonderful as it is without him and I’m sure your DH feels exactly like this about you. So please, don’t blame yourself. As much as you can’t feel like you’ll ever be a mum right now, as your psychologist colleagues will agree it’s all part of the grieving process. It’s ok to feel like this, you have every right to. But please also know that chances are you will be ok. You’ll find a way out of this mess and you will get your happy ending.
    Sending you much love, look after yourself whatever that entails. Hugs xx

    • Thank you so much, it really is hard to admit that I can’t cope at work and feel so guilty that others have to take over my work.
      My DH tells me the same but it’s so hard to not feel like that…I just want to give him everything he deserves. Xx

  4. I know you – and I – will find a way to stand back up at some point. But it hurts. It hurts so bad and the fear is so big.
    Your boss is great! I wish I could take a bit of time off or have a lower workload. In the long term I feel I have accumulated so much stress and tiredness that I’m not that efficient anymore..
    I wish your family kept the baby talk a bit low for a little bit, but then I guess it’s normal.. can’t you go bridezilla and ask that your wedding is the only topic of discussion? 😉
    I texted my husband today reminding him to call his dad and telling him that I wished I could have made him a dad so that we could have celebrated him today. He told me he wished that too but that above all he was happy to have me. I’m sure that’s how your DH feels too.
    Big hug sweets, I really hope the coming week will be better..

    • Oh sweetie I hate this so much for both of us…it hurts so bad and I hate it 😦
      I’m sorry work isn’t easier for you, sending you so much strength
      Ha! Love the bridezilla option. ..I’m totally doing this!
      Big love to you lovely xxx

  5. I’m so sorry how tough things are right now. I hope your lighter work load will take away some of the stress and darkness, even though I know it is not as simple as that. I’ll be thinking of you for your WTF appointment tomorrow.

  6. Sigh. It is so tough to be the one who can’t get pregnant. You and I both know how much it sucks. I am so sorry that work has been crazy but so glad that your boss seems to know what’s important for you to be able to function. Father’s day and Mother’s day are tough… and it’s so so difficult to have friends who are so fertile. Sending you a huge cyber hug… and love.

  7. This is so hard… I think people on the “outside” really have no idea… I know where you are, this sorrow that weighs you down, robs you of hope, triggered by nearly everything around you… I have also spent months (literally) in a kind of zombie mode at work, hiding behind my computer screen, crying at a moment’s notice from something I saw or merely something I thought of… it comes and goes, but never for very long, and frequently I feel “crazy” and rather desperate… It so good your work environment is sensitive to what you are going through, take advantage of that, you need to seek renewal somehow. Wishing you strength my dear!! Sending you hugs!!

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