Home » Fertility » Sun, sea and stress!

Sun, sea and stress!

 

 

 

View from Bro's villa

View from Bro’s villa

The day after my BFN I booked my flights to Italy for my brother’s wedding, and flew a week later. I hadn’t booked it earlier as if I had been pregnant there would be no way after 3 years ttc and 4 rounds of IVF I would be risking anything! Especially as I was going on my own as DH couldn’t get the time off work and to get to the town where my brother was getting married I had to get a bus from Naples airport and then a train for 2 hours. However, since my womb was (still) empty I lugged myself and my baggage (physical and emotional) across Italy.

And Italy did not disappoint. It was absolutely beautiful. My brother was getting married in a little town called Maratea on the

View of Maratea

View of Maratea

side of a mountain and the views were absolutely stunning. The people were lovely, the food was amazing and the wine was plentiful, delicious and cheap.

I was staying with my mum, step dad, sister and her 2 boys about half hour away from Maratea by the beach at Praia a Mare. That was also lovely, especially as we tended to get better weather down there when it was a bit more cloudy up the mountain. It did however cause lots of to-ing and fro-ing and we always seemed to be in a rush for something or late for something else.

There were 6 of us staying in a 2 bedroom chalet and tensions were running high most of the time. This was not helped by the fact that my mum, my sister and I are all control freaks! We’re all used to doing the organising and being in charge of what happens so put us in a very small space together and its going to get fraught.

Praia a Mare

Praia a Mare

Also, my mum takes an INSANE amount of time to do ANYTHING which I found very frustrating. On top of this, my father was there (in Maratea), which made my mum crazy, my sister is just coming out of a divorce and weddings are obviously packed full of couples/love which made her crazy, and I was a week into my recent BFN and there were loads of kids and babies at the wedding which made me crazy.

My step dad is an absolute saint for not just running away…or killing us all! Luckily we’re not a family of arguers so there was lots of snapping and muttering but no full on shouting – we’re far too English for all that!

But on the day of the wedding we had a great time. The venue was stunning, the rain held off and we all had a wonderful day. I’m so pleased that I went. We couldn’t really afford it with our wedding coming up in October but I would have been even more broken hearted to have missed it – to have infertility take away another experience.

View from wedding venue

View from wedding venue

Whilst away I had a long talk with my father about the whole IVF stuff. I’ve written about my dad before in this and this post. He’s kind of an odd guy and we have a rather strange relationship with him. I hadn’t seen him for 5 years so I was rather nervous about that and knew he’d upset me in some way as he always does!!! He doesn’t mean to, he’s just not very aware of other people’s emotions or of how to be sensitive to other people – I guess he’s just a pretty self involved guy and having lived in the states for 40 odd years he’s not exactly close to his kids or grandkids.

So we had ‘the chat’ about my infertility. And although he did try and say it in a sensitive way (for him!) the bottom line of what he thought was:

  • IVF is not going to work for me, I should stop trying (he actually used the phrase ‘lost cause’)
  • Surrogacy is not an option – they’ll steal your baby!
  • Adoption is not an option – all kids up for adoption have had mothers on drugs whilst pregnant and you’re just setting yourself up for a life of misery with a problem child.
  • Get over it, you’re never going to have kids. Move on with your life.

Sooo that was fun! I know he was trying to be supportive and just give me his advice, and he did admit that he doesn’t know what it’s like to really want children as he was never that bothered (gee, thanks daddy) but man it hurt! And we were at a party at my brother’s villa the night before his wedding which was supposed to be a fun night but was just me and him in a corner with me crying. (which of course made my mum angry, which added to the whole stress levels) Ugh.

On the plus side, he did say that he’d just got this big contract through at work and that he would give us some money towards the wedding. This is very typical behaviour of my father – say the wrong thing, offer money. And I am extremely grateful for that money, but I’d exchange it for a ‘proper’ father in a flash.

So overall, I’m glad I went to the wedding, I’m glad I was there for my brother, I’m very glad I got to eat and drink amazing food and wine but it was most definitely not relaxing or healing! But in a weird way with being so stressed I didn’t have time to be so sad! So, erm, I guess that’s a good thing…?!!

Sunset over Maratea

Sunset over Maratea

13 thoughts on “Sun, sea and stress!

  1. Wow what a mixture of things… family…. great views…. your dad…. phew. Glad you went for your brother. Glad you saw your dad, although he had said some things that I am sure you don’t agree with (nor do I). It’s going to be your turn for your wedding soon, right?

  2. I just want to say if you are up to it IVF is not a lost cause. We are just the hard nut cases that take longer to crack. I think next time you need to include an endometrial scratching and intrallipid therapy!! I know how it feels where you are just ready to give up but I believe that you need to give it as a minimum three fresh cycles. Your dad isn’t a bad man and people may think that of course they do, but you only understand when you are in the middle of it. I am struggling with #2 my heart isn’t as in it from the cash perspective but honestly, I look at Molly and she was worth every single cent, tear and pain and I would do it all over again to have her. Stay strong!!!! Glad you had a great time away. It was just what you needed x

  3. I’m glad that your stay in Italia was nice, despite some family drama. I love the “we’re far too English for all that!”. The same situation would have ended up in a lot of shouting had it been my family..
    I’m sorry the conversation with your dad wasn’t encouraging. People, even family, can be really insensitive. The mostly mean well but they just don’t understand… I don’t see why IVF couldn’t work later, though it is true that it’s expensive and it hasn’t worked so far… Your dad also forgot other options: donors and embryo adoption. And I won’t even comment on surrogacy and adoption… I don’t want to push for anything; I know these are all personal choices and I also think you may just need a wee bit of a break from all this. I guess I’m just trying to say it may be a bit early to give up on the dream and go with your dad’s “get over it”. Big hug!!

    • Thank you lovely, it was tough but I’m glad I went.
      Totally don’t agree with my dads view on all this but it is so difficult for people to understand…They don’t get it at all. I’m not sure donor egg/embryo will be an option for us – my embryos are good quality it just seems I have probs carrying a baby. Who knows, like you say for now I just want to focus on the wedding in Oct and having some fun in the summer. I need a break! Xx

  4. Wow, that sounds lovely (except some of the not-so-lovely parts). You gotta take the not-pregnant perks when you can, and drinking wine in Italy is one of them 🙂 Glad you had a nice time!

  5. Hugs sweetie. We’ve had this conversation before I recall but my dad would have probably said the same thing and then tried to through money at it too. Sorry he had to put you through this. Your strength of character has once again prevailed though. Put him out of your mind. I know you know your future is not up to him. Sending strength xxx

  6. Hey chicka, parents have good intentions but sometimes they just need to butt out.
    I feel your pain.
    I’m glad you got to go to your bro’s wedding. Would have sucked to miss it.
    Planning your wedding should be fun. Enjoy it and make if fun
    Xx

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