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BFN ritual

I wake up at about 5am with an awful sicky knot in the pit of my stomach. I try to keep calm, do some deep breathing and let DH sleep as long as possible – I know it’s going to be a long day and want him to be in oblivion for as long as possible. By about 6am I can’t wait anymore and wake him up and then we cling to each other for a while and tell each other we’re scared – he tells me he’ll always love me no matter what. By about 6.30am I work up the courage to pee into my specially appointed test day plastic cup, which was all washed out and left to dry the night before.

I dip two different brands of pregnancy test into the pot – making sure I face them away from me having learnt after test day number 2 that if you dip them and see just the test line come up straight away you know its negative and have to go back to the bedroom knowing already and DH will see it on your face. So I dip the tests, close my eyes and put them down on top of the loo then go back to the bedroom to wait 3 excruciating minutes with DH.

When the time is up we go into the bathroom together, holding hands and gingerly walk towards the tests. They say what they always say. Not pregnant. One line. Pure, pure whiteness. I throw at least one test across the bathroom before animal noises escape from me. DH holds me up before I can crumple to the floor. We go back to the bedroom and cry. And cry. And cry.

An hour or so later I call my sister. She coos soothing words to me, she crys with me. Then I call my mum – the worst call to make. I know where I get my animal cry noises from. My mum is not a crier normally – I’ve heard her cry way too much over the last year. She crys because her little girl is in pain and she can’t do anything about it. I will never have a little girl to love so much. I hate that I make her feel this way, I know it’s not my fault but she’s sad because I’m sad and I hate it.

We send our texts to friends and family. I let my twitter family know. I prefer to get it all done and out the way in one go. We try to sleep – DH usually does but I never can.

We get up about 11am and have something to eat, potter round the house. Random bouts of crying ensue. By about midday I run a bath and open the wine. I realise that DH has thrown away the tests and all packaging, tipped away my pee and washed the cup out. He goes out and buys lots of naughty food whilst I lay in the bath – he’s so brave to go out into the fertile world and I’m so grateful I never have to go with him. What did I do to deserve such a wonderful man.

We bumble through the afternoon. In the evening we cook a special dinner together, radio on, rather tipsy. We watch Game of Thrones. We cry.

50 thoughts on “BFN ritual

  1. You are so brave. Crying with you as I read this. I’m only at the start of the IVF process, so I can only imagine how you’re feeling, but I can imagine… To write about it is amazing of you – thank you for your blog. You are not alone, and sending lots of warm thoughts your way.

  2. I never learn I shouldn’t read posts like this when I’m at the office. I’m crying with you too.. Not just because this reminds me of all my BFNs, but really because I was hoping so much this would be it for you. I’m so so sorry.
    It is really touching to read through these narratives of what to my eyes is a beautiful and united couple. I hope you’ll have time to recover from all this and enjoy your wedding. You deserve that day to be a very happy one.
    Sending lots of love, strength and a huge huge hug lovely!

  3. So so sorry, you had me in tears too. This process is so cruel! ! After 4 BFN I know exactly that feeling. There are no words I can say to make it any better. My thoughts are with you :’-( xx

  4. It’s heartbreaking to read this has become the routine for you (;___;) I so very sorry about the tests staying white where there should be a second line. You deserve it so much, dear!! I’m so glad you have such a wonderful DH on your side. I remember very well, that during that cruel TTC (with IF) time, DH was the only one who could piece me back together when I’ve fallen apart (more than once). It sounds like your DH is doing exactly that for you as well, and it takes a strong relationship like that to face this shitty BFN/IF-tyranny and somehow..pull through it.

    I’m hopeing so very much that in the future, you both get what you deserve – your little miracle!!!

  5. I’m so sorry to read this Hun. I know exactly how you feel. It totally sux and doesn’t make any sense. We drank wine yesterday after a draining wtf appt, then I fell asleep during game of thrones.
    Sending strength


  6. I hate that you’ve experienced this enough for it to be a ritual. There’s not much to say but I’m sorry. I wish this time had been different. I’m so glad you have such a great partner by your side. xo

  7. Oh sweetheart my heart is breaking and tears are streaming down my face. I’m so sorry, so devastated, so angry this is happening to you. Sending huge warm hugs to you and DH, your strength and courage astounds me. Love xxx

  8. I’m so, so sorry. It’s all so bloody unfair. I’m glad, however, that you have such a wonderful relationship to draw comfort from. You come across as such a strong woman, buttakethe time you need to grieve xx

  9. I read this post out to dh and cried all the way through it. BFN for us today too and so feel your pain. Sadness has taken over our lives. Your post has made us think we are not alone in this fertile world. Love to you both. Xxx

  10. I hate that this has become a ritual. This whole process is just awful. I really hope this is the last BFN ritual you ever have to do. It’s time for some good luck now 😦 So much love honey xxxx

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