So after many bouts of sobbing last week I packed myself off to the spa with 7 of my girls for a weekend of well deserved pampering. In the past the anticipation of this weekend would just have been full on excitement. But now, as with all social gatherings, I was a bit nervous, especially since it came only 5 days after my most recent failed cycle: ‘how much will they all talk about their kids’, or more importantly ‘who will be pregnant’ etc etc..
But despite my nerves and general failed-cycle-devastation I was excited. Of the 7 girls going, 5 of them I have known since I was a teenager and am very close to. The other 2 are girlfriends of the boys I have known since I was a teenager – one I’m pretty close with, the other not so much but still get on well with her. It was this one I was nervous of. Let’s call her ‘H’. She has been married for 9 months so every time I see her I’m constantly on preggo watch.
We had a lovely afternoon of relaxing round the pool and nipping out to get in the outside Jacuzzi and were feeling nice and relaxed for the evening. We sat down for dinner and got some champers in to celebrate being together which is when H’s hand went over her glass as she was ‘on anti-biotics’. That old chestnut.
I tried to hold it in. I tried to keep it together. I made it through the starter but then my eyes started filling up. Because….IT SHOULD BE ME. Even though I wasn’t very hopeful during my cycle I still had a little day dream that I could be sitting at that dinner table and could tell the girls that it finally worked. I finally got my dream. I can finally stop being miserable. Every. Fucking. Day.
But instead someone who I know has been trying for less than 6 months got her dream. Just another reminder of what I don’t have. Another person that can do what I can’t.
I got up and dashed off to the toilet before I started sobbing at the table, closely followed by my bestie and I sobbed my fucking heart out on her shoulder in the loos. Then I dried my tears, sorted myself out and went back to the table. I was normal. I chatted away, with H as well, I joined in, I laughed. I didn’t sit quietly or be moody. I got on with it after letting it all out.
The next morning at breakfast H said she was going to go home as she’d had stomach cramps overnight and then burst into tears. Some of the girls that are closer to her went off for a chat with her. In the end she stayed for a while but left earlier than the rest of us. I really felt for her – having cramps when she was clearly still very early in her pregnancy (which had not actually been directly spoken about but was obvious) is a scary thing.
I enjoyed the rest of the afternoon with the girls relaxing at the spa. Then I arrived home. DH said that H’s husband had called to say that she was really upset by me and had had to leave the spa early because I had upset her so much. They could not understand why I would have such a reaction to their happy news (that wasn’t actually given) and were shocked with the way I behaved.
Now, I could understand if she’d said to me ‘I’m pregnant’ and I’d cried in her face, but I didn’t. I went off, had a cry came back. I know it was obvious I was upset by it but….for fucks sake. I’ve lost all 4 of my embies in 9 months….in the time it will take her to have a baby I’ve lost 4 of mine. Also…did this mean that she just made up the cramps because if so…what the fuck? That is not cool.
It just really brought home how little people understand about what we’re going through and how totally alone we are in this journey (apart from you lovely people of course).
I started this post yesterday and I was still SO ANGRY at her and at her husband for calling DH and making a fucking drama out of it all. She is a rather immature person and trained to be an actress so she is well….dramatic but I was just so mad that they could be so heartless and unsympathetic to our pain.
But this morning I’ve woken up a lot calmer. This weekend was the first time I’ve cried in front of any of my friends. Normally I save my tears for DH/my mum/my sister and when I speak to my friends I’m quite matter of fact. I obviously say I’m upset and its hard but….there isn’t really any way anyone can know just how difficult this path is. They don’t understand the process, they definitely don’t think of my failed cycles as losses. They just think ‘oh well, it hasn’t worked yet but it will’. They don’t understand the heart ache. And to H who leads a pretty charmed life she must be baffled at why I’m not happy that this wonderful happy thing has happened to her. She must think I’m a heartless bitch.
So now I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to exactly apologise for being upset. I can’t be sorry for being upset about this. But I don’t know if its best to email/text her to clear the air. And if I do this should I keep it short or explain to her exactly why I was so upset. To make her understand just how broken my heart is. I don’t want it to turn into a big thing and part of me wants to just forget this stupid school girl shit but I know she’s the type of person that holds grudges and I can’t be doing with awkwardness between us. And another part of me wants to educate her so that she understands that not everyone gets the fairy tale and just how fucking hard it is for us.
What do you think I should do? I don’t want to be a bitter old bitch, but I also don’t want people to be left with the idea that I’m overreacting. I know I have more important things to worry about but I just can’t stop obsessing about it.
NewtoIVF 
I would call her directly because email and texts can be taken out of context and you don’t have the benefit of your tone of voice working with you. It was cowardly of her to have/allow her husband to call your husband to communicate something that should have been worked out between the two of you. I would text and ask if she has time for a quick cup of coffee to sort things out. It will be uncomfortable, but in my opinion it’s going to be uncomfortable the next time you see her no matter what now that she’s created drama and there is tension. When you meet, I would be sincere, direct and brief. I don’t think she is a person to trust with your innermost hurt – she’s already demonstrated her disinterest in how any of this makes you feel. From her end, it’s been all about her. Explain why ALL pregnancy announcements are an emotional blow right now and it really isn’t about her personally. I would even go so far to explain that it makes you feel even worse not to have genuine happiness for others when they announce their news, and though you are working on it, right now all it does is cause pain. It is good that you realize no matter what you tell her, even if she wants to understand – she cannot. Keep your expectations realistic – I think it’s likely she will still feel sorry for herself but hopefully she can respect that you made an effort to reach out. If it were me, I would mention that her feelings are important to me and that I didn’t want my reaction over the weekend to be interpreted otherwise. Just my 50 cents. 🙂
thank you for your advice, I think you’re right in person is probably best….I’m so useless at this sort of stuff!
What a !@#$ing cowardly b!tch she is. I mean, is she on antibiotics or not?? (I know the answer, I’m making a point.)
I second daymon11’s advice above. I would also add that a tactic you could use is to tap into her acting side (I used to be an actress). Ask her to imagine how upset she would feel if she had lost 4 embies. To imagine how difficult all those feelings are. To put herself in your shoes and imagine what it must feel like to not be told the truth and yet expect to be overjoyed about unannounced news. And imagine how it makes you feel that she couldn’t bring herself to approach you directly, but have everyone else talk about it. Take a deep breath and lead by example.
Thank you lovely, I like the idea of appealing to the actress in her! Hope you’re doing ok xx
If I was in your position I would probably invite her out to brunch and simply explain to her your situation so that she can understand. People who don’t walk in our shoes don’t know the problems we face but if we tell them maybe that will open their eyes to possibly be more understanding! : ) GL
Thank you!
I think you need to tell her what is going on in your life. Do they know? If they don’t – I think people that are newly pregnant they are so hormonal and so self absorbed and consumed with their new life they literally do not think about anyone else but themselves. I think if you explain that you are happy for her but after another failed IVF after years of trying that hearing her “say no to wine” sent you over the edge. If she is a true friend she will understand if she isn’t – then honestly she might not be worth it for the long run. I am very glad your best friend was there though supporting you.
thanks hon, that’s the hard thing she does know what we’re going through…people just don’t get it 😦 x
Biatch. She needs a sensitivity chip.
Wow, that really sucks, I’m sorry. I hope you are getting the support you need from somewhere. And on a slightly less mature note- what a poo poo head!
haha – poo poo head, love it! x
Hey sweetie. I’m so mad at this girl you can’t even imagine!! Last thing you need is some silly “friend” making your problems all about her. I would consider writing her explaining it wasn’t about her but about you and your recent loss. It would educate her and also maybe help avoid tension in the future. It would be a pity if she hold a grudge and spoiled future group fun. In any case rest reassured that you did your best and don’t feel bad about what happened. Big hug!!
thank you lovely, think I’m going to text to just clear the air. So can’t be bothered with this shit right now! x
I’m sorry you have to deal with this right now. It always seems unfair that we often end up having to comfort those who seem to be in much less vulnerable positions than us. There is an “Infertility Information For Families and Friends” sheet that I have found helpful in the past and that might help your friend to better understand your reaction and the fact that it was a perfectly normal reaction for someone battling with infertility to have: http://www.bellybelly.com.au/conception/infertility-family-friends#.UkXoyyQ7jUQ1 (Emotional Facts section). I like it because it is quite factually and objective in the way it presents the information.
I’m really proud of you for being able to share the extent of your emotions with some of your friends. I tend to be like you, quite matter of fact with my friends, but there are so many times I wish I could just let it all flow out. I feel it might be healthier and take some of the burden of my frequent spouts of tears off my husband’s shoulders.
thanks hon, I love this sheet its great. It is so hard for others to understand x
It just comes to show how clueless people can be if you haven’t gone through what we go through. She’s probably oversensitive too with hormones but come on! You have good news, the other person is sad, just suck it up and deal with it. Don’t have to make the husband call your husband. She should have just talked to you directly.
If you value her friendship (looks like you’re not that close but friendly) I would have a chat with her – in person if you can. If not, I would just leave it. If she doesn’t understand, she doesn’t understand.
Glad you’re feeling better about it!
Thanks for the advice lovely. ..people just don’t get it!
I really think that no one can ever understand what infertility feels like until they experience. It is so hard to see people do something so effortlessly that you can not seem to do. You can not help how you feel. I have lost friends over my infertility struggles but in a way, I have learned who my true friends are. Hope things get better. xoxoxo
Thanks lovely
OMG I can’t imagine how angry you can be! What did your hubby say? What advice does he tell you?
I don’t know if I’d have the courage to talk to her face to face, even if it’s the best solution. I’d invite her and her husband to lunch with you hubby (for support). Tell her that you don’t understand her reaction, that she should have told you she was pregnant instead of pretending she was sick. That she can imagine how it feels to be still waiting – she had to wait what, like 3 months? Take it to years. So it’s not against her, but having your last failed cycle just 5 days again, the pain is still fresh. Hope you’ll soon be okay, I know I’d be devastated for days. xxx
Oh yes.. I Know just want you mean! I have but one thing to add………………….WTF she could not be a woman and come to you at the spa. But run home and have her husband make the call. Yea ok. No, we ladies with infertility do not wish everyone knew how we feel as it is a lonely, scary journey. But sometimes we just need a break from it all.
We are happy and only want the best for those that are able to conceive but the other side of the coin is damn hard and we know all to well what it like to be the one that cannot. I would explain what is going on in your life if you feel comfortable talking about it with her. But by no means do you have to apologize for having emotion. For grieving. That is what makes you who you are.
My infant son passed away almost two years ago and we have been TTC for 18 months. It took us almost 2 years to conceive our son. Surgery and many tests later, still nothing… And not much hope. That pain is always very close to the surface. I learned quite some time ago it is much healthier for me to be honest about my feelings. Most people truly mean well. Most times they just cannot handle hearing the reality of the situation.
Best wishes to H and her husband. May they know how fortunately they truly are.
Thinking of you and your husband.
This made ME angry when I first read it. Some people are just so self-absorbed and really have no clue at all. I honestly can’t believe she made such a fuss about it and would be quite tempted to defriend her myself. But you’re right, you should clear the air and educate her….probably via phone or in person is better. I’d let her know you ARE happy for them but also explain what it’s like for you (especially straight after a failed cycle), how it’s like a knife in the gut every time it’s not you. Get her to think about her own happiness at her situation then ask her how she’d feel if it were all taken away from her…for years. All in a polite way of course. Good luck hunny!
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