So after many bouts of sobbing last week I packed myself off to the spa with 7 of my girls for a weekend of well deserved pampering. In the past the anticipation of this weekend would just have been full on excitement. But now, as with all social gatherings, I was a bit nervous, especially since it came only 5 days after my most recent failed cycle: ‘how much will they all talk about their kids’, or more importantly ‘who will be pregnant’ etc etc..
But despite my nerves and general failed-cycle-devastation I was excited. Of the 7 girls going, 5 of them I have known since I was a teenager and am very close to. The other 2 are girlfriends of the boys I have known since I was a teenager – one I’m pretty close with, the other not so much but still get on well with her. It was this one I was nervous of. Let’s call her ‘H’. She has been married for 9 months so every time I see her I’m constantly on preggo watch.
We had a lovely afternoon of relaxing round the pool and nipping out to get in the outside Jacuzzi and were feeling nice and relaxed for the evening. We sat down for dinner and got some champers in to celebrate being together which is when H’s hand went over her glass as she was ‘on anti-biotics’. That old chestnut.
I tried to hold it in. I tried to keep it together. I made it through the starter but then my eyes started filling up. Because….IT SHOULD BE ME. Even though I wasn’t very hopeful during my cycle I still had a little day dream that I could be sitting at that dinner table and could tell the girls that it finally worked. I finally got my dream. I can finally stop being miserable. Every. Fucking. Day.
But instead someone who I know has been trying for less than 6 months got her dream. Just another reminder of what I don’t have. Another person that can do what I can’t.
I got up and dashed off to the toilet before I started sobbing at the table, closely followed by my bestie and I sobbed my fucking heart out on her shoulder in the loos. Then I dried my tears, sorted myself out and went back to the table. I was normal. I chatted away, with H as well, I joined in, I laughed. I didn’t sit quietly or be moody. I got on with it after letting it all out.
The next morning at breakfast H said she was going to go home as she’d had stomach cramps overnight and then burst into tears. Some of the girls that are closer to her went off for a chat with her. In the end she stayed for a while but left earlier than the rest of us. I really felt for her – having cramps when she was clearly still very early in her pregnancy (which had not actually been directly spoken about but was obvious) is a scary thing.
I enjoyed the rest of the afternoon with the girls relaxing at the spa. Then I arrived home. DH said that H’s husband had called to say that she was really upset by me and had had to leave the spa early because I had upset her so much. They could not understand why I would have such a reaction to their happy news (that wasn’t actually given) and were shocked with the way I behaved.
Now, I could understand if she’d said to me ‘I’m pregnant’ and I’d cried in her face, but I didn’t. I went off, had a cry came back. I know it was obvious I was upset by it but….for fucks sake. I’ve lost all 4 of my embies in 9 months….in the time it will take her to have a baby I’ve lost 4 of mine. Also…did this mean that she just made up the cramps because if so…what the fuck? That is not cool.
It just really brought home how little people understand about what we’re going through and how totally alone we are in this journey (apart from you lovely people of course).
I started this post yesterday and I was still SO ANGRY at her and at her husband for calling DH and making a fucking drama out of it all. She is a rather immature person and trained to be an actress so she is well….dramatic but I was just so mad that they could be so heartless and unsympathetic to our pain.
But this morning I’ve woken up a lot calmer. This weekend was the first time I’ve cried in front of any of my friends. Normally I save my tears for DH/my mum/my sister and when I speak to my friends I’m quite matter of fact. I obviously say I’m upset and its hard but….there isn’t really any way anyone can know just how difficult this path is. They don’t understand the process, they definitely don’t think of my failed cycles as losses. They just think ‘oh well, it hasn’t worked yet but it will’. They don’t understand the heart ache. And to H who leads a pretty charmed life she must be baffled at why I’m not happy that this wonderful happy thing has happened to her. She must think I’m a heartless bitch.
So now I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to exactly apologise for being upset. I can’t be sorry for being upset about this. But I don’t know if its best to email/text her to clear the air. And if I do this should I keep it short or explain to her exactly why I was so upset. To make her understand just how broken my heart is. I don’t want it to turn into a big thing and part of me wants to just forget this stupid school girl shit but I know she’s the type of person that holds grudges and I can’t be doing with awkwardness between us. And another part of me wants to educate her so that she understands that not everyone gets the fairy tale and just how fucking hard it is for us.
What do you think I should do? I don’t want to be a bitter old bitch, but I also don’t want people to be left with the idea that I’m overreacting. I know I have more important things to worry about but I just can’t stop obsessing about it.