The Perfect Womb

 

Yesterday I had my hysteroscopy. The idea of doing this is to a) have a look inside to see if there is any glaringly obvious reason why my ‘perfect’ little embies keep failing and b) to act as an endo scratch. Because I’m on the NHS and the hysteroscopys are done in a different hospital, let alone different department to my IVF clinic they are not brilliantly timed. Other clinics seem to do endo scratches on CD 21 and everything I’ve read up on Dr Google says the best time is in the luteal phase, post ovulation. However, my NHS hospital does their hysteroscopys on a Tuesday afternoon – take it or leave it! So mine was on CD18, which I didn’t think would be a problem as the latest I ever ovulate is CD 17, but usually is CD14-15.

So I began OPKing on CD13 and by CD17 still nothing. I was thinking I had either missed it, or I was just not going to ovulate this month but I did an OPK yesterday morning and there it was – that bastard happy face looking back at me. I got myself into a right old mess worrying about the timing of it all. Because if the studies say it’s to be done post ovulation and I’m ovulating pretty much as they’re doing the scratch doesn’t that mean I’ve got to haul my arse into London on a minging, wet, windy day; wait around for hours in a grotty waiting room; have a general anaesthetic (and therefore more time off work to recover); get poked around again; get my mum and step-dad to drive into London to come and pick me up…..All. For. Nothing?!

I had a big sob-fest in the morning about the unfairness of it all. I’m so sick of getting pulled about, tested, injected, examined just to have the chance of a baby. Or to see why I’m not having a baby. Some of my friends the other day were lamenting how awful it is when you’re pregnant that you get poked and prodded and lose all dignity. I could have slapped them. Because, yes I’m sure labour is a pretty dignity-losing experience, but pregnancy? Please. I bet I have more scans, examinations and blood tests just getting ready for an IVF cycle than they do for their whole pregnancy! And most of those preggo scans aren’t even with dildocam right? And this is all so you get to TAKE HOME A BABY! I’ve pretty much shown my hoo-ha to the world for nothing!

Also my jealousy monster was raging that my SIL is sat at home with my beautiful week-old niece after trying for 1 year and getting pregs at 39 with absolutely no intervention/treatment. I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others but it is a bit of a kick in the tits. I remember how hard trying for 1 year and nothing happening seemed (and actually it was a tough time as at 7mnths DH had a SA which showed he had low motility and he freaked out about it – it was not fun times). But now having been trying for nearly 3 years with 2 failed IVFs under my belt a year seems like a freakin walk in the park! And I’m sure there a some of you reading this thinking “3 years? Whatevs, try 5/7/10 years and then come back to me sweatheart!” I freakin hate IF!

Ahem…yes….anyway, yesterday I was feeling bitter about all of this. Totally over it today. Obvs.

But after all this freaking out I asked my consultant before the procedure about the whole ovulation thing and she looked at me like I was a crazy meth-head strung out on Dr Google and told me not to worry it wouldn’t make any difference. So it kind of put my fears to rest. Kind of cos, why would it say that in the studies then…but she’s an IVF consultant, surely she knows her shit…but why would the studies say that….and so my thoughts go round and round! But I do trust her, so I guess I’ll just have to take her word for it as there’s shit all I can do about it now anyway.

Anyhooo, the outcome of the hysteroscopy is that it’s all looking good in the womb department. In fact she said I have a ‘perfect womb’. No scars, adhesions or fibroids. She even showed me pictures, and no wonder Drs always want to look up there, it’s pretty sexy 😉  So I have perfect embryos and a perfect womb. And I don’t want to sound ungrateful as I know lots of you guys struggle with both these things. It’s great news. But it’s also pretty frustrating as then, why have my perfect embryos failed to implant into my perfect womb? Three of them gone in, zero baby/BFP come out.

I’ve got one embryo left in the freezer so next step is to go for transfer in early-mid February with no drugs. Just pop it back in. And if it doesn’t work this time…then god knows what’s wrong with me, but it’s going to take a fuck load of money to find out as this is last-chance saloon on the NHS.

 

PS I realise that lately my posts have been ridiculously long! Sorry guys, for those of you that made it this far – well done! You should get a prize! You’re not going to, but you should! I’ll try to cut the waffle in future.