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Daddy Dearest

It’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve posted a ‘proper’ personal update. Don’t know why really, I got a bit like this last IVF round. On one hand there is so much going on in my head, so much to say; on the other hand I don’t really feel like saying anything because….well, none of its new*.

I’m still down-regging, although have also been taking the HRT drugs (Progynova) for 2 of the 4 weeks and since I’ve been on them I’ve felt a lot more normal. I have a scan on 31st (which is also payday, and also more importantly #IFpumpkinsmackdown closing day!) to see if my lining is thick enough, and if it is we’ll probably go for transfer the next week. I go through various emotions about this ranging from numbness to fear to ever-so-occasionally excitement.

View from Ceremony Venue

View from Ceremony Venue

Other than forever down-regging, I have actually been up to some pretty positive exciting stuff! I’ve booked my wedding! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! What a crazy thing to do mid-IVF cycle I hear you cry. And yes, you would be right. It’s totally stupid. But I don’t care. We need something to look forward to that is DEFINATELY going to happen on the day we want it to happen. The last IVF BFN cemented in both our hearts that we just want to get married, and to hell with the practicalities so that is what we will do on 8th October 2014.

So I booked the registrar, I booked the venue for the ceremony and the reception and was super happy and excited. Then I did a stupid thing. I emailed my father to tell him. I also gave him a quick update on how the IVF is going, how tough I’m finding it this time and how it all generally sucks.

Reception venue

Reception venue

I should know by now that my father’s main talent in life is doing or saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. By now I should know that just because I would want him to respond by saying he was sorry it was so tough this time, and that he is happy we’ve set a date, it’s not the response I’m going to get. Instead the answer I got was basically how inconvenient it will be for him as my brother is getting married in Italy next year (in May) to have to come over from California twice in 1 year. Thanks Daddy dearest. Way to get excited.  

I’ve not really written about my father on this blog. I’m not sure why, since in many ways he was the reason I waited probably a few years longer than I would have otherwise to start trying for children. My parents got married when they were in their early twenties and emigrated from England to Canada. My Dad’s job then moved them to Texas which is where I was born. Nine months after I was born my parents split up and my mum moved us back to England and my Dad stayed in Texas. When we were little we used to go over to Texas every summer to visit (NB: small town Texas is not the place for a little girl to have fun summers). The rest of the year Dad would call once a week and we’d have very awkward conversations.

These days we speak on the phone probably 3 or 4 times a year, mostly initiated by me. It’s usually a fairly dull conversation dominated by his recent work contracts and the latest places he’s played golf. He forgets all our birthdays (including his grandkids) every year – sometimes we get a card a few weeks/months later, sometimes not. We usually see him once every 2 or 3 years but it’s now been 5 years since he’s been over.

 If ever you try to share anything emotional/important with him he gives an inappropriate and usually insensitive response. Eg when I first told him about our TTC struggles he said it was probably a good thing as with all this global warming etc the world was going to be hell in the future anyway.

I don’t know why but his inability to be a good father, his inability to genuinely care about his children and now grandchildren deeply upsets me. It always has. The only thing I really know about my father is that he just does not have the emotional capacity to give us anything else – the fact that he’s on his forth marriage is a sign of how good he is at relationships. Expecting him to be any better just hurts me again and again. I just don’t know how to stop wanting him to care, despite having an amazing mother and a wonderful step-father.

So when my ovaries started squeaking about wanting kids in my mid-late 20s I waited. I waited because I wanted to make absolutely sure this is what I wanted. I waited until I knew that I couldn’t ever imagine my life without children. Because I know what it’s like to be a child of someone who had kids because ‘that’s what you do’, rather than because he genuinely wanted to be a parent. I didn’t wait too long – just a few years until I was 30. But I didn’t know then that I have a crappy AMH and that really every year counts.

It’s not just him either. I know sooo many useless fathers (my sister and SIL’s ex’s to give 2 examples). It breaks my heart that DH would give anything to be a father and so many men just throw this gift away. I know it’s not only men, there are plenty of useless mothers out there too, but it’s useless fathers I have a speciality in!

Soooo I don’t really know where this post is/was going! It was supposed to be a positive one about my wedding, and ended up a fairly miserable one about my rubbish father! Which is actually a fairly good reflection of my mood at the mo – I try to keep positive, but somehow the negative creeps back in.


*despite having ‘nothing to say’ this has ended up a pretty long post!

22 thoughts on “Daddy Dearest

  1. Wow. Just Wow.

    The thing I’ve found with family is that it’s ok not to like them. We can love them regardless, but sometimes they’re just not the people we would choose to have in our lives.

    At least you know what to expect. That doesn’t make up for his crappy parenting, but at least you’re not expecting fireworks and rainbows when you get handed the pile of dog crap.


  2. Well hon firstly yay!!! Congratulations (clapping hands in glee). Second, be positive about the transfer, it will happen God willing and everything will be fine. Keepin my fingers and toes crossed for a nice soft cushiony lining and sticky embaby for the next 9 months. Third, toxic relations are everywhere, your dad has pretty much walked away from you’all, i think you should too and not cause yourself anymore grief. Its his misfortune to miss out on his daughter’s wedding.

  3. I know how you feel about people throwing away something that is so difficult for others to come by. It feels so unfair, but I guess that’s just life. Beautiful venue, and good luck with everything.

  4. Congrats on booking—a hope & happiness move in the middle of cycling can’t be anything but good. Your dad’s global warming comment is a stunner—wow, I’m so sorry. I know what you mean about trying to stay positive but the negative creeps in—it’s like a battle with the seashore, that ocean tide keeps rolling in. Sigh.

  5. Big congrats on booking your wedding that ceremony space looks AMAZING. I’m so sorry your father was (and continues to be) insensitive. You’re very lucky to have an amazing guy to meet you at the end of the aisle who will never treat his children like you were treated. xx

  6. That’s soooo exciting that you’v booked your wedding! I think it’s a great idea to have another project so you don’t just have baby making on the brain.
    Totally emphasize about the parental let downs. I’m sorry, it totally sucks. I always hope for a better response next time and then get disappointed again. I’m. glad your step dad and mum and more helpful.
    ps. eeek, wedding excitement!

  7. I’m so happy to hear about your wedding. I’m sad to hear about your father. Mine isn’t completly horrible, but he certainly has his moments. I’m sorry that you don’t get more support from yours. In my experience, I can’t seem to give up on shitty people, no matter how shitty they are…my heart is too big…which can be quite detrimental. I’m sending you strength, courage, and faith. ❤

  8. Firts of things, your wedding venue is gorgeous!!!!! Absolutly love it!
    Concerning your dad’s remarks, well… Fathers don’t like to talk about their daughter’s problems, especially gyneacologic ones. Even those closed to their daughters… Nonetheless (do you attach the word or do you say “none the less”?), I’m sorry that he’s not catching the sensibility of the subject…

  9. Congrats again! The venue is beautiful and this is very exciting! Hope your dad doesn’t spoil it for you because this is such a wonderful event and you deserve to enjoy it and to be happy!! xx

  10. Your wedding venue looks amazing. Classy and cosy, perfect for an autumn wedding. I’m sorry you had to deal with that reaction from your father. It’s so frustrating when people cast gray clouds, especially at times when you’ve finally managed to find a spot of sunshine. xoxo

  11. Oh hun, your wedding is going to be so beautiful, so lovely and so well-deserved. It will be so nice to have something to plan in the coming months, a welcome distraction I’m sure. As for your dad, well as they say ‘you can’t pick your family’ and that right now seems pretty accurate. Mine is hopeless and we’ve been estranged for years. He was the crappiest father and you’re right it stings so much when you know the new generation (our DHs) want this so bad. Such a waste huh. I’ll be sending you fluffy lining vibes all week, I’m sure your conditions will be perfect hun. Love xxx

  12. Pingback: Sun, sea and stress! | NewtoIVF

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